The Right Direction

Okay, before I get started with this, let me just throw out a quick little disclaimer. This is going to be a venting session that probably won't have much significance for anyone but me, and it's likely that the horribly foul mood I'm in right now will give it a slightly bleak undertone. If you read it, good for you! If not, it's probably for the better, haha. Regardless, no matter what you choose, at least you can't say I didn't warn you.

So. To begin, I would just like to say that I am almost undoubtedly, 99.9% sure that I am going through a quarter-life crisis. No joke, people. I have realized lately that I am not at all happy with the direction that things are going and I have no clue what to do about it. And I have no clue where to go from here.

When I mention the direction of things, I don't really mean anything specifically. I guess I mean more of a lack of direction. I have been so accustomed for my entire life to having a meaning and a purpose to everything I do. I have never been without goals and direction. In fact, I've always set super-high goals for myself and then worked my butt off to achieve them. But I'm grasping at the air these days. I've got nothing. Which way do I go?

It also doesn't help that so much bad stuff has taken place. (and before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that there are literally billions of people in the world have have things FAR worse than I do. But it's hard to look past my own bubble when my future is on the line) I applied for a job that I really, really, really wanted and didn't even get an interview. I realized that I might not want to go to grad school right now after all, which was really my only plan for the coming year. I realized that I have no idea why I am taking classes right now and that I have zero motivation for them. And I realized that the internship I'm working right now is the most god-awful thing I've ever done and that I am TERRIFIED that I will have to take a job with them after I finish.

I also realized lately that I am so done with OU and that I can't wait to get out of here. Apparently it's a shared sentiment with several of my fellow fifth years. The first 4 years of college were such an amazing time in my life and ones that will always, always hold an extremely fond place inside me. But things just aren't the way they used to be. And I'm ready for the next phase to finally begin. Which is actually why I'm kinda leaning towards not doing grad school just yet. I just don't think I can handle more of an academic atmosphere. And that was a sad realization.

Or maybe it's just that I want a sense of stability in my life. Who knows.

No matter what it is, apparently I'm not too good at hiding my feelings. Walking to class today, I ran into an old friend who, upon seeing me for the first time in months, asked me if everything was okay. Also, Erin had to explain to some other people who don't know me as quite as well as she does that I kind of become a hermit when I stress out and that I'm "not handling graduation and everything all that well." Hmmm. I guess I'm just not handling the stress all that well lately.

In any case, I think all this stress will go away once I just figure out what I'm doing after May. Because right now it's just a big blank. And I hate that. 

I just need some direction.